More Poetry Is My Life

OK I've been wanting to write about my reason for running my Pure Romance business because it will be good for business, but I have been thinking so much about this post and sharing these poems and I just can't wait. Also, I need to get really excited about studying and working my ass off for this certification.

There are so many reasons I need to be a personal trainer. And all of them will make me very good at what I do. I know I'm not in amazing shape to many people. But the way I see it, we are all on our own paths of figuring things out, and just because I have some jiggle doesn't mean I can't help you learn, plan, take action, and reach your goals. My body will certainly be changing too, but learning to meet myself where I was is one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned and my success is owed to it.

This is something that has been brewing all of my nearly 33 years. Ten years ago, I would have laughed at me so hard for ever thinking I would be working to be a personal trainer. And then working as a personal trainer? That's just impossible. I'm not the kind of person who would/could ever do that.

My mind back then was limited.

I started writing Family Inheritance in college. It was my final year and I was having a blast making work of something I had loved for at least 20 years. What? I didn't need to edit my poetry...it came out perfect the first time. Exactly as I wanted it. Except, oh wait...that poetry class (actually Dr. Anaporte because she and I were the only ones there!)  taught me that poetry is sometimes a living, breathing thing. It can change and grow and its impact can be better expressed through different words, meter, punctuation, line selections, rhyme schemes...and on and on. Poetry is one of my favorite arts, and I don't know what that means because it makes a smaller list to say what isn't a favorite art to me. And no, I'm not cultured really (as you'll witness in the video),
I just love love love to create.

And I love the things I create. And I like to share them.

They deserve it! This poem means so much to me and it's been shared multiple times in different ways. It has a new part now. And it makes me tingle. Goosebumps too. The bumpiest of therm.

Family Inheritance

I

I learned my mom had diabetes;

It felt like someone told me we were out of popsicles.

PawPaw already had to put shots in his belly

As we played at the table awaiting MawMaw’s biscuits and gravy.

The first summer I spent at Dad’s

I enjoyed the swimming pool, the palm trees, the kids I met,

But I remember nothing like holding the cold phone to my ear

And from eight hundred miles away I hear mom tell me,

“PawPaw had a heart attack and he’s in ICU right now.”

Sobbing, I fell to my knees and prayed.

II

Cigarettes seduced me with their false comfort;

Every thirteen-year-old girl needs some type of crutch.

PawPaw quit smoking before I was born;

His kids begged him to stop

And still half of them smoke.

I stole many packs from my mother

That my friends and I smoked in my room

Poking holes in the window screens to wedge

Our poisonous cylinders into

So we could flick them into the yard

When we heard the old steps under mom’s feet; but usually

She stayed downstairs on the cushion

That curved around her bottom,

So we all smoked freely

Cloaking the stagnant house in miasma.

III

My twenty-six-year-old belly swollen

With my son, his father cooked

And urged me daily:

“Watch your sugar.”

Mom had gestational diabetes first:

A warning sign.

I never liked raw vegetables,

But when my body belonged to my son,

I devoured them.

After a year and a half of his nourishment

He returned my body to me,

His best interest ever in my heart.

Often in life I took my own body for granted

By feeding it junk, lounging too much,

Consuming intoxicants and sunshine,

Sharing sexual pleasures

With passionless fools without caution.

I wanted to stop

And live healthy with my family,

But there were holes in our foundation

And some men care little for change;

I left so I could grow.

IV

PawPaw died last spring

After caths, and stents, and bypasses,

Mush through feeding tubes,

The hiss of breathing tubes.

I no longer prayed, but

I shaved his face to show my love

Because he wasn’t supposed to eat my banana bread

(Though he insisted on a piece anyway).

We hid the bread; I should have grown fruit,

But there was hardly time.

V

My new boyfriend carried PawPaw’s coffin to the hearse

With other men from my family

And he felt the weight of us all.

His health had taken dives in recent years;

But this year he slowed in the grocery store

And amazed himself at the labels of things

He placed back on the shelves.

Then, a friend, a brother to us,

Is attacked by his own heart one night

Right before Valentine’s Day and his thirtieth birthday

And we are stricken with the fear

Of a storm we thought was many miles farther away

When it ripped the walls down on his family

And doctors gingerly propped them back up.

VI

I run on this machine

And stare at the tree by the river—

Its limbs sprawl outward like arteries in each direction against the backdrop

Of the sky, and the mountains, and the water—

I think of my mom, in hopes that

She makes the right decisions so that I may talk to her,

For years to come, about everything.

I think of my son, who loves running and all foods

(Even the ones I don’t like)

And candy. He will learn positive habits

And the importance of being healthy in my home,

So he doesn’t have to learn this agonizing way.

I think of my boyfriend, who stands by me

And works for more days with our family

By picking better foods and strengthening his heart

And our bond; we want more days together.

I haven’t smoked since our first date

And we’re planting together this spring.

I think of my friends and family who have suffered

And watched their loved ones suffer.

Do people have to die

For us to understand

Why we should change?

And I run.

I run as if something horrible chases me,

And it never stops.

VII

But sometimes I stop,

So lazy, easy to forget why I must continue,

Keep my heart pumping, racing for love, for desire, to perspire, inspire—

My son and all of us grow older, my boyfriend turned to husband,

My extended family suffers slowly, painfully, and others prosper still.

And the world goes on now

Without my Uncle—we can’t live without our liver,

And cancer eliminated his within weeks.

Though not one of us will get out of this alive,

I want to dance while I am here

And live without the fear

Of leaving those I love alone

Without a fight to stay—

Then, a light! A way!

A new dream to plan and scheme, work and scream

From the mountaintops I climb;

A new life’s purpose defined

For me and those who want to thrive

And arrive at a new level of self-love

And acceptance of the truth

That our bodies are our temples

Worthy of love and respect for all they can do—

The incredible ability to carry us through.

So part VII is brand new--the rest was mostly written in 2011. I think this is the first poem I've ever composed that has been divided into parts. And that was a great suggestion given to me by my professor. She held readings for her classes at Taylor Books in Charleston. My first public poetry reading was bigger than any of her classes that had more than one person in them. I'm praising my support system, not being vain, people. And I'm going to leave that here for your viewing pleasure (man I was nervous but it still made me cry!) 
My good school mate Jessica Fertig is also in this video and she and her father provided awesome comic relief after that quite heavy poem with great talent.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAp_aWEav8E

I like the poem it even better now though. And I like me even better now. I like that I've always loved making people laugh.

This poem is a little more sexy and can maybe promote both businesses. Circa 2012 at our old house, Hogjaws (seriously, it was previously a convenience store dubbed as such), I wrote this gem. That's where one of our friends also dubbed us a "power couple" when I explained to her what that meant.

Watching you dance

From the elliptical

I feel stronger, smarter

For choosing you of all

Pulling my breath

Into my body

I anticipate

The sweetness of all

The air we'll share for life

Admiring your muscles

I want to learn their names

So I can feel an expertise

As my lips meet their grace

And that one is completely unedited so far except for the fact that I just messed with its composition on the page and I'm quite pleased that it resembles an hour glass or a sweet human figure! 
It's unfinished and you'll probably see it again.

I Love poetry.

I meant to capitalize that "L." But I didn't want to be annoyingly over-exaggerated in making the word "LOVE" in all caps. But it just looks weird.

But we're all weird. So it's ok.

Leave a comment. Especially if you got this far. A lot of people just tell me my blogs are too long (they told me that about this essay I wrote about boobs because it was about a lot more than they wanted to learn). I'm sorry; I write them because I like to write and read. And I just read this again and I LOVE it lol.

So if you read any of it, I would like to know. 

I would like to know if you're as cool as me.

And it's my sweet, supportive husband's birthday 3/13
and I want to spend the day celebrating the person he is. 
I have to figure out what to bake (another favorite art of mine) because he won't tell me what he wants! Then get some sleep.

My Own Biggest Fan

Hello and welcome back to my crazy ramblings about me, me...ME!

Feeling a bit narcissistic about it in some ways, but let me explain: This isn't all for me. If it were, then I certainly wouldn't let anyone else read it. Or maybe I would if I were that much of a narcissist...

Anyway, see, I have always loved an audience, but I want to have something to share that matters. Truth is, I've always had plenty to say; sometimes I have simply lost my voice. Or more like given it away. I don't like that at all. It's stifling.

I think sometimes in life I've felt like I had to be someone else. I don't really enjoy situations where I can't just be who I am. I don't mind politely censoring myself like not consistently saying the word "fuck" as often as I do when I'm in normal conversation with my nearest and dearest friends. Excuse my language, please, but there is a content warning, after all. You did click it.

I'm learning that I felt I had to hide myself so people would love me, like me, promote me, listen to me, give me good grades, tip me, be nice to me, talk to me, read my work, let me read my work to them, not ridicule or judge me, just accept me at all...you get the picture. Truth is, none of that matters. Real love is the people who stand by you when you're at your worst and your best, and especially, when you are simply yourself. Believe me, it can be equally as hard to keep "friends" when you're on either side. Especially when you're suppressing your soul.

Self-absorbed? Nah. I'm not just writing about me. I'm writing about you. Our human struggles.

My friend Orbital hit the nail on the head with his compliment, "Your random life musings sometimes remind me of my own mental question and answer sessions. It is a nice contrast to read about someone who is both searching for the best possible life, yet appreciative of all they have at the same time." 

It still pulls at my heart strings. I have such talented friends. And for them to see this in me...

Looking at the people who surround me reminds me that I'm fucking worthy. Oops, I did it again. And it's no accident because really, people, there is no better modifier to explain how this feels. I think its impact is nearly sufficient. I'm worthy of my own love and anyone else's. I'm worthy of a good life. And so are you.

Here's the deal, when you start stifling yourself and living a life that you dread on a daily basis, you are just convincing everyone and yourself that this is the life you worked for and that you deserve. Are you really loving your life? I wanted to love my life, and I've been taking steps for many years to make that happen. I wanted to find dreams and go for them. Find my purpose. So I had to learn how to do all of that. It's not easy, but being honest with yourself and changing habits in thought and action truly works. It takes time and practice and dedication, but it does work. I think my learning, my experience and my work is to create, entertain, inspire and help others realize their goals and how to reach them. I've always wanted to help people and I just couldn't figure out how I was supposed to do it.

If you want something, then the only way to get it is to work for it. If you don't get it, you should keep working for it. Never quit. Be proud of your work and your worth as a human. This is really about how much you love yourself. What do you deserve? That's the real American dream. Living the life you want and loving yourself enough to do so.

You should be your own biggest fan.

Because we are all amazing beings with unique talents and a story to tell. We ain't here forever, no matter what you think happens when we're gone. We owe it to ourselves make the best of it.

And to each other. We owe it to each other because we are all better for being true to what we truly desire. We are more true to each other when we are true to ourselves. That goes for love or any old bullshit. It's cliche but you can't love others if you don't first love yourself. You can try all you want but it's just not worth anything if you aren't caring for yourself. You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself (including your kids and partner). And that's for everyone, but especially for those self-sacrificing moms we all know and love. Here's an idea, you can be a happy individual who is allowed to enjoy things that aren't just taking care of everyone else!!

I've decided to dedicate the rest of my life to working for myself and my family. I've always wanted to work for myself and learn how to run a business that attracts awesome people who may benefit from my assistance in varying ways. Recently I've realized just how much time we spend doing things everyone else's way, and we simply don't have to. And that thought opened up a world of opportunities for us.

I decided I wanted to teach Fisher at home; we are both quite enthused. We will go on weekly (or more often) field trips to learn important things from others as we have so many talented people in our lives. If you would like to teach us a lesson (and I don't mean that sardonically), then just let us know and we'll schedule a trip. We want to use some of our time to help others too. I believe we can focus and learn in shorter amounts of time than he spends in school. We have tons of help and are surrounded by educators and experts on many things. Our family, our community and our home can benefit from more of our attention. Our learning, studying, critical thinking, gardening, reading, sewing, canning, visiting, cleaning, dmv-ing, writing, taxing, running, experimenting, creating, socializing, cooking, building, serving, baking, performing, volunteering, and whatever else we want and need to be doing.

In order to do this, I must work for myself now, not at some unforeseen day in the future when I go all Jerry McGuire and peace out of another soul-sucking job. And build businesses and clientele with respectable rapport (again, please forgive the language). I choose a way to empower and educate women about their health, bodies and relationships with Pure Romance (yeah, and we'll talk about sex too, so what?! It IS how we all got here!). And to inspire people to recognize their worthy and attainable fitness and health goals as a Personal Trainer later this summer. I am thrilled to be able to better the way I feel with no pain and more energy than ever, and this is something we all need to be conscious of. We can't control much, but we can control our health (for the most part).

 There will be more. Just because I am passionate about a lot of things.

That's why the original name of this blog was "A Little Unfocused." It's OK to have focus on several different passions though. We may not have long to live really, but it's long enough to get things done.

Just as long as you don't half ass them all. Give your all when you are there.

Give your all because you deserve it.

Yeah. I've been listening to motivational master Tony Robbins and Nerdist god Chris Hardwick books on tape telling me to say all these things...seriously...check them out...

Karaoke Self-Love Superstar

A bit of an oxymoron there, I admit.

But I fell in love the first time I entered a smoky hole-in-the-wall bar and took the spotlight on the gritty tile floor. So long ago...I was 13. This year makes two decades.

Even earlier, I spread blankets across the living room floor and sang into a hairbrush while I danced across the makeshift stage.

I would be lying if I said I didn't still do it, only now I have actual microphones. Proved it to everyone the other day when I posted a video of myself singing "Thank You" in the style of Alanis Morissette on my Facebook timeline.



I had some wine that night; I cringed a little the next morning listening to it. Did I consider deleting it?

Well, not really. I'll just leave it here too.


I quite honestly posted as an act of self-acceptance and self-love, two very important things I intend to share with others as much as I possibly can. Things over the past 20 or 30 years have changed a lot, including my ability to truly love and accept myself. My love of singing and performing has been constant. As has my love of writing and creating. Maybe the artistic side of me went into hiding for a while, hell-bent on figuring everything out.


But that simply sucks.

Time to emerge, whole and unafraid.

Art and helping others always were the best at helping me figure things out anyway.

2015...The Dream!

Lovely to have embraced my inner nerd lately. I've also found my professional side in the past few years since college, and that's great too. I believe I can successfully embrace both of those pieces and all the rest of me.

Nerd, I say. It's funny being called that by new friends and clients. My old friends are mostly nerds like my little family. We all call ourselves nerds, so it's not like we don't hear it or even wear the name with great pride, but it's just strange when an outsider expresses it emphatically. I suppose that can account for the feeling of many "groups" in our "us vs. them" way of thinking.

Feels good though ^-^  I like when anyone sees all the things and people we love. When we are free to be ourselves.

Maybe I don't mind labels as much as I thought I guess. I've learned there are few concretes in life - no need to go to extremes trying to covet or avoid anything. And it's all what you make of it in perception and reaction.

OK, so I'm a nerd this moment regarding the title of this post. Yeah...I've been doing that for years-the thing that rhymes with the year that I half-ass. Maybe it started in 2005...Alive! Because that's the farthest back I can actually remember. Beyond that, I start guessing if I named my years poetically more than ten years ago (ten years ago?!?!?!). 2004...The Whore? 2003...Who Me? 2002...So Boozed???

No, really, I didn't half-ass those or name them that I can recall. I think I've only formally named most of the years where I really cared for myself well. Or tried to at least. You know, growth.

Life is different here in 2015. My son is an inspiration beyond measure (b.2006) and my husband's (est.2014) support strengthens me daily.

My dear friend, Erin, took this photo of our family feet at our wedding 5~24~2014

Many others have had a hand in what I'm about to announce, but Fisher and Nicholas are my reason. My inspiration. My constant reminder of what I'm working for. Of who I am and want to be. Because they make me want to be the best mom and wife I can be. And that, along with loving myself, my life, and those in it, energizes me. Drives me.

I have been ill the past week, and sometimes not being able to commence with daily life-supporting habits-like eating or staying hydrated-can bring one even closer to the truth. Mortality sets in; life flashes before your eyes. 

Starting this afternoon I finally felt well enough to start cleansing the germs that infected us. And the rest of this mess was killing me. So I've been spending my Valentine's night cleaning my office and listening to music. 

My office is home to my business and it needs to be productive and comfortable. 

Because I am running a business. My business isn't just Pure Romance or the fitness training that I'm excited to explore, but it's ME. I believe in myself and have more confidence and ambition than I've ever had. I know I can educate and empower myself to succeed and have everything I want in life. And I can help others achieve their dreams also. 

This year I will go full-time, full-throttle into dreams of working for myself! Intimacy Specialist and Relationship Expert with Pure Romance by Stephanie Bragg (c.6/2014), ACE Certified Personal Trainer (c.6/2015), Home-School Educator of Fisher Taylor, and Self-Made Superstar dba Stephanie Ann Bragg. 

Why not? Life is short. 

Do what you love and be of value to the world with your most beautiful talents.

So thankful for this opportunity. Cheers!

A Little Name Changing

Wow, 2014. What a year. So full of love and change and plans. And marriage. Been waiting for that one for a while. Wow.

I am thankful for my husband and my son and their abiding support. I have an incredible and fun family full of laughter and hope.

I will be working hard to make them proud and show them how beautiful the world can be.

We are surrounded by so much love that we are often overwhelmed by it. We just couldn't ask for better people to care for us. Our friends and family are boss.

More writing to come soon. And more changes. This is for you. And me.

Love,

Mrs. Bragg

West Virginia Waking Nightmare is Everywhere

The past couple of weeks or so haven't been unbearable. They have been expensive and inconvenient and enraging, but completely bearable, especially since we have help. Not everyone affected by the ongoing water crisis in West Virginia is so fortunate to drive for over thirty minutes once or twice a week to enjoy family time refuge with a hot shower and clean laundry. I weep for them--those people who have no choice but to use their tap water for everything, especially right now, at a time when we're certain of the poison because we can smell it, when the rest of the time we just figured subconsciously there was probably poison in the water. I weep for those who feel like those of us who still won't use it are crazy and I worry that their internal systems are at risk. I weep for many things lately, actually. Every day. But it's all really the same thing that makes me sad. Chemicals. And that's driving me to activism amid a very complex storm of issues.

But let me start at the beginning.

When I was a child in the 1980s, I ate whatever our family plucked from the aisles of grocery stores or from restaurant menus or fast-food drive-thru windows. We didn't read nutrition facts or ingredient lists, and much of the time they weren't available. We didn't concern ourselves with the ingredients in our beverages, our lotions, our medications, our soaps and shampoos, our make-up and nail polishes and removers, or our cleaners beyond putting the Mr. Yuk stickers on the bottles so we children knew not to drink the poison. And mind you, we only stuck them to the under-the-sink type poisons really, and just to warn the kiddies not to drink them.

Click here to scare children with this delightful video introducing Mr. Yuk.

Thank you, Rhode Island Poison Control.

We were just living life with modern conveniences. Poisonous unnecessary, cancer-causing "conveniences."

We smelled these chemical plants daily on our bus and car rides to and from our schools, where we practiced shelter-in-place drills from the time I was in kindergarten to the time I graduated college. A large number of occurrences throughout the years were not drills, but some semblance of public protection from toxic leaks, because the government has got our backs.

Now, I'm not surprised at all that many people are ready to "go back to normal" or "go back to sleep," depending on whom you may ask, a week or less after shaky public and private administrations tell them their water is safe*, one strand of words that should never end with an asterisk in my humble opinion. Pregnant women feel much better and so does the general public, right? *According to the CDC, “At this time, scientists continue to recommend 1 ppm as a protective level to prevent adverse health effects. However, due to limited availability of data, and out of an abundance of caution, you may wish to consider an alternative drinking water source for pregnant women until the chemical is at non-detectable levels in the water distribution system.”

I'm not surprised that the spotlight is again on the coal industry for their role in this and other disasters throughout history. I'm not surprised at the lack of attention we are getting in the world, the nation, the state, down to our own neighborhoods and homes. I'm not surprised by the Freedom Industries' bankruptcy I'm not surprised by the politicians who are eager to shift the blame away from the corporations and entities who fund their campaigns. I am not surprised that many are concerned about what happens to jobs if we take away big coal and chemical or even the privately owned water provider. I am not surprised that those things are cyclic with the apathy so pervasive in Appalachian and Kanawha Valley culture. It is not to say that I'm not disheartened by these things, but I am anything but surprised.

I am not surprised by any of this because I think about it everyday to some extent. It baffles me that so many of us continue to keep these cancer-causing chemicals in our cupboards and refrigerators for use and exposure every day, even as we learn what Mr. Yuk really means, and that his green sticky face belongs on all the things we slather on our skin to clean, moisten, or fragrance it, clean our counters and floors, spray in our air we breathe, and even consume in our food and beverages. How many of us actually take the time to think about what we force through our bodily systems daily that truly has no business in or on (which is also in) our bodies? It's all cancer to us and the environment. We are giving the Earth cancer. We are, after all, consuming the energy, the chemicals, and the minerals like greedy little children gobbling up their candy and making sure we have the most, the best, we are looking and smelling the prettiest. And tan, don't forget how important it is to darken your skin with harmful ultraviolet cancer-causing rays. Slather on more harmful chemicals to ensure that attain the desired crispness.

And I'm on my soapbox all guilty of being a hypocrite too; I am well aware, and I am sorry for that. I like beer and Hot Fries, and I indulge in Taco Bell garbage occasionally still. However, I have been working for over four years to try to live a cleaner life and consume less toxins so I maybe wouldn't die in the terrible ways that take my family and my neighbors down early and make them suffer every day. This is a poem I worked on during part of my awakening as I started to comprehend the high hereditary risks to my health with cancer, diabetes, heart disease, osteoporosis, mental illness, fibromyalgia (is that considered hereditary? If not, blame the chemicals?), failing eyes, bad backs and teeth, and all the environmental risk factors the we can't even stop from seeping into our sinks and showers or filling the air we breathe or comprising the majority of readily available foods that are catching up where our DNA and our environmental toxins leave off.

I started exercising for cardio, strength, and flexibility. I quit smoking cigarettes. I stopped eating as much processed, additive rich, unnatural food. I limited my sugar intake, which is something nobody wants to face the bitter truth on, but our over-consumption of sugar is killing us. I bought a reusable glass water bottle and refilled with filtered water I will never trust again in this valley if things don't change. I stopped wearing make-up two years ago this spring. I rarely use perfume. I stopped using lotions as I learned about endocrine disruptors, which, along with other useful information, you can read about here.

And people think I'm nuts, I tell ya. Maybe I am nuts, but, pun intended, that just doesn't seem natural. People make fun of my fiance for eating egg whites and caring about his once out of control baconator-induced cholesterol. People scoff when he talks about quitting soda, something he insisted he would never do until he learned more about what it was doing to his body. People tease me about my flax seed and eating chia seed and ask me if I'm on a diet because I'm eating a spinach salad for lunch. I am dubbed "The Food Nazi" because of the way I grocery shop for my mother (53), whose illnesses do not permit her to drive or shop for herself. I can't blame people for teasing us or thinking we're snobs; it's not the norm here, to care about ourselves or our health or to question what's given to us. I'm sure everyone remembers world famous chef Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution coming to Huntington some years back. I never have watched the show, so I'm not promoting it, and I'm sure we could rage on about this subject; it is merely the first example I thought of and it works. Editing *cough* comments *cough* sure makes for an emotional response, eh? But, for our apathy, we are a joke in many parts of the country, even to idiots much like the idiots we know and love.

 But I digress.

I started reading labels. And realizing we poison ourselves all of the time.

Why would we care about our water? And why would anyone care about poison in our water when we are knowingly and willingly eating and drinking poison and cleaning with it and rubbing it on our skin (or else it gets the hose again?), even in the name of staying more safe and clean, and breathing it all day because we can't stand the smell of humans and who the hell can blame us!? I don't want to smell our dirty rotten illusions anymore either. Whether it smells like Freesia or Eau de Dupont, it's all the same. Tricking our brains or telling the all too familiar truths that we are steeped in years of dirty convenience and chemical-induced stupor.

And did anyone else enjoy the bitter irony of having to turn to chemicals to clean our hands because we couldn't use our water and soap because of the chemicals? I've been using my essential oils, baking soda, bottled water, and vinegar, but I can't say I am not using harmful hand sanitizer daily and I'm either sucking down the chemicals in the plastic bottled water or I'm dehydrated. Saving for recycling, yes. Still a complete garbage move. More terrible irony is that we can't really afford to exercise; with our limited water supply we can't afford the extra hydration it requires or the extra bathing to stay clean. And we're forced back into the arms of many unhealthful convenience foods to avoid messy preparing, cooking, and cleanup that our water supplies can't match.

I'm actually using this as a jumping point to join the growing anti-shampoo, or "no poo," movement. I made myself sick the other day when I opened a bottle of nail polish. The smell was overwhelming. I'm turning into my Aunt Sandy, who can't even stand the smell of scented candles and insists our allergies are affected by every bit of this. She isn't the only one who believes in the allowable threshold of one's body to such irritants. The exposure compounds in your system and you're feeling awful, gaining weight, getting cancer, needing prescriptions, which is another issue in itself, as well as the same issue of us poisoning ourselves for pleasure OR relief. I do believe that some medication is necessary, but clean nutrition and exercise would be first and general healthful knowledge, like food safety and water cleanliness and chemical safety data. But we can't get all that when it's not so profitable. Or when people just ignore it and care more for traffic jams and Justin Bieber and their favorite television shows. Squirrel!

Today is the 16th day that my family has not used the water in our home besides anything but flushing the toilet and flushing our plumbing system. We have brought water into our home from the distribution sites that were set up the first week (not the ones that reeked of MCHM, but the bottled sites where the Belle Volunteer Fire Department and their gracious families worked tirelessly to help the community--and their brothers and sisters all over the state who helped so many were awesome as well!), the store (can you say $$$), and we fill containers up in Saint Albans, almost 30 miles from our home in Belle ($ gas $ ain't $ cheap), when we travel there once a week for a hot shower and my amazing mother-in-law to be helping us with laundry (<3). Even their water supply was threatened when the runoff from the flushing in Boone County came into contact with the Coal River, which is upstream and where Saint Albans pulls its water, and whose name suggests that there is a reason why West Virginia looks like the proverbial flipped bird. They are supposed to be testing their waters daily per the mayor. Maybe we should call and ask for that data? A huge thanks to all of those who are still coming in from other cities and states to bring in clean water and supplies for those who cannot afford it and the groups that are helping people find ways to feel safer when we cannot depend on our government officials to do so. I hope that we can all find ways to assist more as time goes on and we adjust to our new routines and behaviors.

Aside from our two excursions to Saint Albans, we heat water on the stove out of bottles for washing our faces and hair and bodies so we can work and go to school. We were also lucky to still get to work during the first week of the water crisis, when many companies were shut down, unable to use their water. My boss even let us bring our kids because their schools and daycare facilities were also shut down. Like I said, we have been so fortunate. We have clean-ish bottled water to brush our teeth and cook with. To make coffee with. For now. And some don't even have that. And even the worst of us are more fortunate than the victims of other like disasters or constant life in third world countries have been. Is this the way America is supposed to feel? What does this mean, as our lawmakers move on legislation to weaken water standards? As we still heat bottled water at $1/gallon to wash and rinse our dishes, trying to stay under the threshold of chemicals that makes us ill. And we're still getting higher water and sewer bills. That last link is a valuable resource for all of us, so I again link the main page.

This is honestly just another hazy man-made mist on what should be clean consumable renewable resources. We can't have clean and natural anything, not even water. But we'll keep getting assaulted by chemicals until we stop living on complete garbage and killing ourselves like we're not worth more than a box of Little Debbie cakes or smell good girly goop or pills and bills and chemical spills and licorice-scented water, or ash slurry, toxic runoff, oppression, depression, suppression, repression. Cyclic human failure. That's what some people say, and I feel it when I'm angry.

But I also say we're still people with lives and loves who try desperately to get out of this box we're shoved into. We're sold out and forgotten. Don't forget that we ARE here. And we want clean water and food; it's not like our fish or our local farms are benefiting from these messes. Exactly the opposite. We have no choices with the way things are going. Rural communities and poor communities have no "clean" or clean* water that they want to consume. We don't have enough public education and government and commercial support of cleaner processes all around. We have slowly growing organic, gluten free, natural aisles of grocery stores, and variants of our regular chemically enhanced fare being substituted for minimally processed  forms that may be a little less convenient that we need to enjoy more of. And many people can't afford it; that is broken. We shouldn't want to keep the people sick for economy's sake. Many have referred to the timely construction of the new possibly $50,000,000 (WHAT!?) cancer center in Kanawha City that is now well underway and scheduled to be completed and serving our cancerous hordes within the year, I'm sure.

You are what you eat. And drink. And absorb through your body's largest organ: your skin. We have a right to clean food and water and products to use. Supply and demand. Take your stand to lessen the poisons in your homes and your communities and Earth-wide. Without clean water, even healthy food and all vegetation becomes poison before we ever spray it with pesticides and ripening agents and preservatives, all also toxic. Protect your waters. Protect your futures. Hell, protect yourself today.

Anyone who cares, activists, politicians, trolls, democrats, republicans, religious or not, just be accountable for yourselves. Try to help your fellow man. I don't mean to offend anyone. These are just truths that I have had the pleasure of experiencing. Your experience may vary. I know many of us have things we do not want to give up. I haven't given up all my toxins, but I have limited them severely, as I discuss in more detail in this earlier blog.  I'm not responsible for your views, but I will back mine up and gladly listen to yours.

So, be safe, and live in peace inside yourselves my friends. Protect your families with knowledge and action and hope for a better future.

I'm sorry that you are seeing  the first drafts of this (I even had to come back and learn about embedding and sharing links, that's how little I've been writing and that's also broken and needs fixed) and if there are errors of any sort they will be fixed soon. I've been writing this all day (two days now) and researching and reaching out to others who care and chatting with best friends I've been missing so much because they jumped the chemical ship and got out of the state. It's late now. I'm ready to expose my opinion, for better or for worse. This won't be the last of my voice on the subject, and that's a promise.

As much as I would rather have spent these days this weekend with my family, playing board games and video games and building cities that toxic chemicals don't destroy, I spent my days caring about this and caring about others so much that I want to share my feelings. I'd also love a shower to wind down. But it scares me rather than relaxes me. So I relax with a pot of water and pitcher. It's not bad, compared to the alternative. I could explain the daily frustration of living water-less next time perhaps. The nastiness of capitalism or having a privately owned water provider. Or the frustration with anything that's going on in this twisted story. But these past weeks have been more than exhausting for my mind, body, and spirit.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams. Or nightmares that your grandchildren can't find clean food or water to survive.

That, too.