Looking back on this blog I am ashamed of the lack of continuity with spacing and formatting more than the lack of censorship. I am changing some things because I want to be able to share things with an array of audiences, including my Granny. I think she's woman enough to take what is here ;)
As I read some of my posts from last year, I see my old outlook and realize the growth that has taken place in my life. I hop on my friend Jen's wagon and revel at the energy required to make a change. It's tremendous and constant. I guess "it" is both energy and change, really.
Last year, I sat alone on beautiful days like this. To me, these days are reasons to love your families and celebrate life. And you can make any day a holiday this way. Nicholas was working long and late and every weekend until recently. Fisher spent half the weekend at his dad's. So many gorgeous days I sat and watched people float past on their boats, laugh with their families, make memories together. I could hear them even when I drew the blinds and brooded alone in the dark, air-conditioned living room. I attended parties and weddings where my friends circulated, but always kept contact with their anchors, their beacons, their home. They went to their literal home with their families after I miserably answered the foray of questions concerning the whereabouts of the two people I love the most. I finally began complaining ridiculously about it. Yeah, I admitted that as I was doing it; I don't care.
Don't get me wrong; we had our share of beautiful days camping and swimming at Summersville Lake. Driving to find a grill and picnics in the park. Just thinking about last year has me in a funk, so I quit! (This happened because I was having a hard time coming up with many more times when we were all together and able to do something for fun rather than things we simply had to do)
Today was perfect.
I miss so many family members and friends; there are people I'd love to spend more time getting closer. But I finally get to enjoy a schedule that permits me to have normal time with my son and my future husband. What a delightful experience. Not only the schedule, but diligently working together for the family. Trusting someone and loving them so that you look forward to years of learning more effective ways to argue with one another.
It sucks that Fisher is still gone more often than I want him to be, of course. And that Nick works at 4 a.m. But who gives a diddly squat? We've been working on visiting family, getting to see friends, we have more time to ourselves and more time together, and it rocks. And our jobs aren't going terribly either.
I told Nicholas that I just needed to sense him. And nearness to my son to touch him, hear him, see him, smell him, and I try not to taste him really, so, yeah. Seeing loved ones recharges my battery. If you're missing me, I'm missing you, and you're on the list.
I laid on a blanket on the grass today in the sunshine. The other half of the blanket became a Fisher burrito as Nick read a book in a chair next to us. I closed my eyes and heard the boats. They sounded the same as last year, but I felt differently. But not weird, like how I feel about that adverb back there. I breathed easy and searched for eggs like a child because Fisher wanted to hide them for me after he found them all. My daddy even taught Fisher and me how to fly a kite. And we all got some exercise.
It's late. Monday is upon us. Time to eat a peanut butter egg, check on my boy, and curl up next to the man I love.
Granny always told me to follow my dreams. I followed my dreams and I've found them.
Hold them. Feel them breathe.
What's really important? What do we need to change?