I have no idea what my problem is this week, but I constantly have this feeling of "I should be doing something (else...I add because I've been quite busy doing all kinds of things)."
What? I don't know, but it feels pressing.
My Erin and I have discussed the feeling before. She described it well: "It's like you want to break into a run and just run completely out of your skin."
Yes. It is. WTF? (And yeah, I realized I quoted you and those probably weren't your exact words, but it sounds good, so don't sue me)
I have an intense desire to organize my home and my life. It's hard to try to focus on the tasks at hand and the dreams of the future when I'm also trying ridiculously hard to savor each moment I have with my son before he changes (which happens almost daily). I feel I am actually doing quite well at acheiving some semblence of balance; is it not enough? Will it ever be?
Nicholas has a completely different outlook which I admire. He goes to work and comes home and enjoys his time, always doing the best he can, always doing a decent job of feeling like a useful part of society and like he maintains a happy life.
I would love that. But I just feel like I want more. Not money. I can only describe it as personal satisfaction, really. Personal satisfaction comes from...where? This question has a different answer for every person, hence it being "personal." Duh. So, I'm finally getting some (though I'm working on more) family time. That was my number one goal and it remains so.
But behind my conscious mind, something is lurking and bugging the ever living shit out of me. It is a ravenous need for some personal satisfaction that is growing stronger and I can't ignore it.
When I started this blog I called it "A Little Unfocused" because of all of my interests and desires. I knew it wasn't going to be a blog about weight loss or video games or parenting, but a mash-up of my ramblings of a psycho-analytical nature, no doubt, which is based on the way I used to journal. The intention wasn't gaining and maintaining a readership (yet), but to simply let it out. Writing, as I've stated before, has always been my therapy. It's how I deal with my emotions and how I figure out the next step. This bit has made me feel a little better, though not completely, for there is no conclusion. How do I figure out what to do with this intense, burning need? What is this need? How do I figure that out???
Don't get me wrong, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I feel great for the most part (the exception being this crazy feeling).
Who am I cheating when I play around with all of this and act like I'm unaware of the real problem? I think I know the need and where it's coming from and how to fix it. I'm almost sure of that. I guess it's the direction beyond that. Maybe fear? I think so...fear that following another dream simultaneously will take away from the number 1 (family <3).
Here is what I need to do, one word, plain and simple:
Create
So I guess it's time to figure out more about this balancing act. What can I do for this insatiable desire inside of me that will enrich my family and not take away from it?