My friend, Dorge, who urged me to begin this blog, posted about realizing he had become a scrooge. I commented that he was the person who taught me the meaning of the word "apathy," and my internal dictionary imposes a picture of his smirking face next to the word as a reminder. I wrote to him, after reading and being moved by his lament, that I would try to move his face to "lament" instead. I had to look up that word to be sure it fit what I was saying.
Again, I'm only an English minor.
So I have been thinking along those lines; I need to give more without being a cynical bitch about it.
When I was younger, I didn't really get to be a kid for long. Some of it was my parents' fault, some of it was my own. My mother was diagnosed with bipolar and spent time locked in her room or in hospitals. My father wasn't around until I expressed interest in meeting him when I was eleven, which I would have done much earlier if I had known. Add a perverted step-dad, some other perverts, way too much responsibility, and not enough positive attention, BAM! Steph was a mess.
I gave. And I gave. Family, friends, boyfriends, enemies even. I gave my time, energy, innocence, love, janitorial skills, money, rides, gifts, cooking prowess (ha), my soul!! Okay, I got to soul and knew I was going a little far. At least I stopped.
But really. I gave a lot. I used to drive friends around all of the time and my mom yelled at me for it. "You're wasting all that gas and they don't even help you pay for it. Don't be driving your friends around; they don't drive you around when you need it." And she was right.
But later in life I had to drive her around a lot. I would say I was getting her back for all the times she drove me around, but Mom always acted like I was asking her a ride to the moon if I wanted to go anywhere I couldn't walk to. I had just become a mother and I wanted my life with my family and I was damn bitter. I needed to finally really focus on me and even more, my son. I was tired of doing for other people and not getting anything in return most of the time.
It took me awhile to learn to take care of myself. Actually, the more accurate description would be "to become selfish." I didn't realize that until recently. I thought I was just thinking about myself, but no. It was not as healthy as that should be. So what do I deem healthy? Glad you asked.
You shouldn't put other people's needs so far above your own that you neglect yourself.
You should care about how you make others feel.
You should communicate with others about how they make you feel.
You should give of yourself freely, but do not allow people to take advantage of you.
The best people to assist are those who are willing to help themselves.
If people can't help themselves, maybe you should help them when you can.
Most of all, help those who help you, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
I may be wrong about some of these things being gospel, but I know that I need a little more love in my life. In the coming year, I vow to do at least 3 charity walks, and not just sign up, but actually walk. I also want to feed people who are hungry. I want to show my mom I'm there for her when I can. I want to volunteer at my son's school and take him to volunteer with me somewhere that helps less fortunate kids. I will do these things and more. I will help friends move, I'll babysit, and I'll bake.
You bet your ass I'll write for every one of you also. Try and keep up.
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