My Own Biggest Fan

Hello and welcome back to my crazy ramblings about me, me...ME!

Feeling a bit narcissistic about it in some ways, but let me explain: This isn't all for me. If it were, then I certainly wouldn't let anyone else read it. Or maybe I would if I were that much of a narcissist...

Anyway, see, I have always loved an audience, but I want to have something to share that matters. Truth is, I've always had plenty to say; sometimes I have simply lost my voice. Or more like given it away. I don't like that at all. It's stifling.

I think sometimes in life I've felt like I had to be someone else. I don't really enjoy situations where I can't just be who I am. I don't mind politely censoring myself like not consistently saying the word "fuck" as often as I do when I'm in normal conversation with my nearest and dearest friends. Excuse my language, please, but there is a content warning, after all. You did click it.

I'm learning that I felt I had to hide myself so people would love me, like me, promote me, listen to me, give me good grades, tip me, be nice to me, talk to me, read my work, let me read my work to them, not ridicule or judge me, just accept me at all...you get the picture. Truth is, none of that matters. Real love is the people who stand by you when you're at your worst and your best, and especially, when you are simply yourself. Believe me, it can be equally as hard to keep "friends" when you're on either side. Especially when you're suppressing your soul.

Self-absorbed? Nah. I'm not just writing about me. I'm writing about you. Our human struggles.

My friend Orbital hit the nail on the head with his compliment, "Your random life musings sometimes remind me of my own mental question and answer sessions. It is a nice contrast to read about someone who is both searching for the best possible life, yet appreciative of all they have at the same time." 

It still pulls at my heart strings. I have such talented friends. And for them to see this in me...

Looking at the people who surround me reminds me that I'm fucking worthy. Oops, I did it again. And it's no accident because really, people, there is no better modifier to explain how this feels. I think its impact is nearly sufficient. I'm worthy of my own love and anyone else's. I'm worthy of a good life. And so are you.

Here's the deal, when you start stifling yourself and living a life that you dread on a daily basis, you are just convincing everyone and yourself that this is the life you worked for and that you deserve. Are you really loving your life? I wanted to love my life, and I've been taking steps for many years to make that happen. I wanted to find dreams and go for them. Find my purpose. So I had to learn how to do all of that. It's not easy, but being honest with yourself and changing habits in thought and action truly works. It takes time and practice and dedication, but it does work. I think my learning, my experience and my work is to create, entertain, inspire and help others realize their goals and how to reach them. I've always wanted to help people and I just couldn't figure out how I was supposed to do it.

If you want something, then the only way to get it is to work for it. If you don't get it, you should keep working for it. Never quit. Be proud of your work and your worth as a human. This is really about how much you love yourself. What do you deserve? That's the real American dream. Living the life you want and loving yourself enough to do so.

You should be your own biggest fan.

Because we are all amazing beings with unique talents and a story to tell. We ain't here forever, no matter what you think happens when we're gone. We owe it to ourselves make the best of it.

And to each other. We owe it to each other because we are all better for being true to what we truly desire. We are more true to each other when we are true to ourselves. That goes for love or any old bullshit. It's cliche but you can't love others if you don't first love yourself. You can try all you want but it's just not worth anything if you aren't caring for yourself. You can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself (including your kids and partner). And that's for everyone, but especially for those self-sacrificing moms we all know and love. Here's an idea, you can be a happy individual who is allowed to enjoy things that aren't just taking care of everyone else!!

I've decided to dedicate the rest of my life to working for myself and my family. I've always wanted to work for myself and learn how to run a business that attracts awesome people who may benefit from my assistance in varying ways. Recently I've realized just how much time we spend doing things everyone else's way, and we simply don't have to. And that thought opened up a world of opportunities for us.

I decided I wanted to teach Fisher at home; we are both quite enthused. We will go on weekly (or more often) field trips to learn important things from others as we have so many talented people in our lives. If you would like to teach us a lesson (and I don't mean that sardonically), then just let us know and we'll schedule a trip. We want to use some of our time to help others too. I believe we can focus and learn in shorter amounts of time than he spends in school. We have tons of help and are surrounded by educators and experts on many things. Our family, our community and our home can benefit from more of our attention. Our learning, studying, critical thinking, gardening, reading, sewing, canning, visiting, cleaning, dmv-ing, writing, taxing, running, experimenting, creating, socializing, cooking, building, serving, baking, performing, volunteering, and whatever else we want and need to be doing.

In order to do this, I must work for myself now, not at some unforeseen day in the future when I go all Jerry McGuire and peace out of another soul-sucking job. And build businesses and clientele with respectable rapport (again, please forgive the language). I choose a way to empower and educate women about their health, bodies and relationships with Pure Romance (yeah, and we'll talk about sex too, so what?! It IS how we all got here!). And to inspire people to recognize their worthy and attainable fitness and health goals as a Personal Trainer later this summer. I am thrilled to be able to better the way I feel with no pain and more energy than ever, and this is something we all need to be conscious of. We can't control much, but we can control our health (for the most part).

 There will be more. Just because I am passionate about a lot of things.

That's why the original name of this blog was "A Little Unfocused." It's OK to have focus on several different passions though. We may not have long to live really, but it's long enough to get things done.

Just as long as you don't half ass them all. Give your all when you are there.

Give your all because you deserve it.

Yeah. I've been listening to motivational master Tony Robbins and Nerdist god Chris Hardwick books on tape telling me to say all these things...seriously...check them out...