Independence Day was last weekend

And I was feeling entirely too independent.  I missed my family :(

Last year, I left the home where I had lived for four years with my son and his father.  Our relationship wasn't really working out and I felt an extreme need to move on despite the hardships I knew I would face.  And it sure has been difficult.  Getting together with one of the best men I've ever known the following month has made it worlds easier, but it's hard to miss him too since his job requires he works most evenings, weekends, and holidays. 

Before last year, I was a student and a stay-at-home mom.  I got to be with Fisher all day and then his dad came home from work and I went to school.  So sending Fisher to daycare last year while I worked was difficult.  Even when I didn't have school because I withdrew to help him adjust to having two homes.  But I told myself that I would have to get used to it anyway because he was soon to start required school and he would have to be there everyday. 

A voice inside me whined, "Yeah, but isn't that why you should be spending more time with him now?"  My inner mommy cried when I had to wait tables on Mother's Day and I saw all these people celebrating with their moms and their little boys that reminded me of my angel.  Actually, I'm pretty sure my outer mommy cried too.  I made decent money that day I think. 

Turns out people don't mind crying waitresses on holidays.

I had Fisher last July 4th, so he was at his dad's all last weekend.  Monday was supposed to be Nick's day off, but we found out three days prior that he was on the schedule for an 8-hour shift.  This year the fireworks were on Sunday July 3rd.  I don't know why...  He works open to close (8pm) every Sunday and they were still seating people after 8:30, so I grabbed my shit and went home.  I had been waiting for him in hopes that we could make it down to hear the symphony play while we watched the fireworks.  Nobody told me they were closing late.  Turns out nobody told the kitchen, either...

I started work this past Tuesday and we don't get a day off together for almost a month.  Hoping we can take Fisher to the lake for the first time when we do get that day later...

But for now, I sit here on holidays and weekends and see these boats go up and down the river from my back door.  They're celebrating, laughing, being with their families.  I see my friends on facebook post wonderful things about being with their families. I do get days with my family; it's just not really the normal life I wanted.  But what's a normal life?

These lonely times have gotten somewhat easier than they were at first.  I try to find things to do or people to talk to.  There is always plenty to do.  I clean the house, work out, write (I should be writing more), read, catch up on personal business or the Netflix queue.  But it still feels lonely.  When I shut the curtains and blinds I can still hear the boats.  I can't call many of my friends because they are doing what I want to be doing--spending time with their families. 

And this is why I'm in college.  To try to get a job with a family schedule that will pay the bills and build my personal American dream.  

I don't need a lot of money.  I just want to work a schedule that compares to my husband's work and my kids' school schedule.  I want a weekend for what it's supposed to be.  Even if I don't get to be with both of my loves, at least one of them would be nice.  

This semester is going to be the hardest yet.  I have to work 20+ hours at my new job to keep it.  I have to work 13+ hours at my internship to earn credit by the end of the semester.  I have three classes also.  Luckily, they are awesome:  Fitness for Living, Creative Non-fiction Workshop, and Digital Video Production.

Stay-at-home moms are way under-rated.