Writing is my therapy

This has been my mantra for over twenty years, probably from the time I learned to write or learned that I needed therapy (whichever came first, I'm not sure).

I actually wrote the last blog on the holiday weekend and didn't have time to finish it for some weird fucking reason.  Ohhh, that's right.  I got dressed (yes, I had showered, like today, and was blogging in my underwear--if this convinces you to keep reading, please know that I do this often) and went to the Barge to wait on my love (did I kill it?  good, you're a pervert.  But keep reading anyway...) and ended up heading home disappointed to watch YouTube videos with my neighbors. 

It's kind of funny how that day ended up actually.  Or that weekend.  Because I was about to start work, I felt better about myself (income is good, you know?) and was trying not to stress out over having even LESS time with the people I love.  It's sad because I hardly get to see my friends as it is.

So, I started thinking about all of the things I wanted to do with myself  and my life and I'm sure that got my tummy so nervous that I had to shit.  So I used the time to finish reading Tina Fey's book Bossypants (yes, it was an excellent read, even if I read it in its entirety while I was on the toilet).  One of the last chapters in the book is called "Juggle This," and it's about being a working mom.  It's pretty much about the balance (so difficult to achieve) and the guilt (so damned simple--it's natural). 

It made me realize I'm certainly not alone in my feelings.  And I hope I can only be so lucky as to love my job as much as Tina does.  I started to realize that "A Little Unfocused" is really about finding that balance in my life (and it has been even before the blog).  The good news for the blog is that it's a task that will never end. 

Finding and keeping balance is a constant endeavor.

I like parentheses, do they help you hear me talking to you??  Also part of the unfocusedness that is me (yes, I made up a word for that)--considering that I often interrupt myself and derail my own thought trains.  Here, at least I can go back and read what I was saying instead of having my wonderful friends remind me ;)

This all does have a point.  Swear.  And it's this:  I'm damned scared.

I see people all over the place with degrees that are being wasted.  Many of my friends with degrees could have gotten their jobs without them.  I'm not saying that degrees are bad, but the job market isn't good.  No matter that we are making the same amount of money (or less if you count time we could have been building our experience and getting raises) after going tens-of-thousands of dollars into the debt-holes that Americans can dig in their sleep.  Can we dig our way out on minimum wage or a few dollars more?  If one day out of week's worth of work goes to taxes (is that enough?) and another day or two goes to paying for a "useless" degree...what are we living on and working for? 

But here's the deal.  I've lived on next to nothing.  And even nothing a couple of times.  I like things and places and even people (sometimes, although I don't buy them or pay for them so that really doesn't fit here), but I don't consider myself truly greedy or materialistic.  Not even high-maintenance.  I know that I can make it.  And I know that the other part(s) of my team will never let me down. 

I talked to Nick about it.  "I'm scared I'll be stuck...stuck I say!!!  I'll be pissed if I end up working these jobs forever when I could have done them without spending six years and $40,000!  But what if it's the best thing I can get??!!"

And this is one of the many reasons I love him. 

He asked me if that's what I wanted.  "NO!" I replied.  He told me that I wouldn't settle for that.  That if I wanted more I'd have more because I'd make it happen.

Oh.  Okay.  I guess sometimes I forget.

I may not know much about the future or my career path that will sustain myself and my family, but I do know that I will do something that matters to me and something I love that permits me to spend time with the people who remind me who I am and what my life is about.